All posts by tember

One of the parental units in our family of five. A mom, wife, BI and data science developer, artist and event coordinator - really a renaissance soul. Happiest when exploring, having great conversation or riding my horse. From Kamloops, BC but currently living in Seattle with the family.

2023 In Review

It’s been a while since I have posted – but one of my reflections is that I want to keep in touch with my friends more – and pictures/updates are an important part of that. As much as people throw shade at social media, I love seeing pictures of my friends kids, celebrations, challenges and random updates. It helps to keep us in touch – so when we do see each other, it’s easy to catch up and we can dive into details right away. And so, I need to do the same… share more about our adventures.

The high’s…

  • River starting high school and finding success on the football field.
  • Jade and Jojo (her boyfriend of 2 years) joining us in Sun Peaks for some winter fun.
  • Jade doubling down on dance and ballet – she’s a natural and a joy to watch, She’ll even lead the family through her choreography if their willing.
  • Savannah landing on her feet after a whirlwind summer and fall – go visit her at Bailey’s Pub, she’s the bartender there on Saturday evenings.
  • The times friends/family visit us in Seattle, we love exploring the city with you – it brings me joy for weeks afterwards.
  • For me… the Kentucky Derby visit with friends was so much fun.
  • Mike and I going on a back-country hike for the first time.
  • And for the family, we would all agree that Bonny & Joy becoming a homeowner of Four Winds was a milestone we will be celebrating for many years to come.

The low’s…

  • All three kids worked through some tough decisions: Savannah broke up with her boyfriend, moved out and is in the process of starting over; River faced the challenge of starting high school and balked at joining the football team; Jade – can’t think of one actually 🙂
  • Mike has always had the motto “work hard, play hard” – but it has definitely been more work than play recently. It’s one of his goals to bring back the balance.
  • We said goodbye to Aunty Mary, Aunty Aiko, Aunt Anne and Uncle Darcy – randomly a memory of one of these special people will come up and my heart aches knowing it won’t be repeated.

For 2024 – my intentions are to get out into the backcountry more (in winter and in summer); build new friendships in Seattle; ride in some more Fox Hunts and go on some fun adventures with Mike. Jade and River both want to improve their grades (Jade starts grade 12 in September – eek!!). Savannah wants to be successful in her new job, take some courses and move into a new apartment in Kamloops.

Pictures generally speak louder than words – so here’s a few (or a lot) of my favorites from 2023.

A Rainy Day

The rain is not from the sky
It’s from the heart

The clouds I see out the window
Are troubled

Dark shadows indicate an unpredictable, unknowable nature
All the eyes,
All the science,
All the research,
The clouds get to keep to keep their mystery.
Just like my emotions retain their elusive nature

It’s all so fickle
A butterfly flaps it’s wings and a hurricance gets stronger
A partner looks sideways and a days sinks into darkness

Sunny days are around the corner
Bright fluffy clouds and impossibly blue sky
So totally hidden, unimaginable on this rainy day
A huge step of faith to know that it will return

Secrecy

Someone close to me had cancer, and she chose to keep it secret from her family.  She always gave vague, positive updates – and then she died. The loss we felt when she passed was made worse because we didn’t make time for goodbyes and felt like we missed out on our last chance for connection. 

It can be hard to admit we are failing, our body is failing, our previous decisions are failing – but keeping the pain locked inside you actually hurts those who care about you even more. 

I think if you feel the need to keep something secret – it’s a signal that you need to examine what’s going on.  It’s like your sub-conscious is yelling at you that this is a scary thought, and your response should be to deal with the fear in the best way possible.  Not stuff the fear down – it can’t be effectively buried.  Buried fear ALWAYS comes back to haunt you.

When I hear about someone hiding something – not telling your family about their health problems, sneaking out before going home after work for beers with your friends, not being honest about how sad you are – I desperately want to know why?  Why do you think that keeping things to yourself, suffering in silence, is a productive way to handle a difficult situation?  Is the fear of telling someone your problem that ominous?  Do you actually think you are saving others from feeling any pain?

I am feeling aggressive as I write this – I am thinking of other people and have a sense of perspective.  But I know I have hidden from difficult conversation many times.  There is a seductive reasoning that seems to be human nature – if we can just move past something without really facing it, maybe it will just go away.  And no amount of “being caught” seems to teach the right lesson.  It’s only by leaning into the fear, by noticing what triggers your desire to hide, and choosing to treat the potential secret with care and attention that we can learn be open.  The fear that a secret carries, vanishes when shared.  The act of bringing in a companion to your secret lessens it’s power

Brene Brown has really enlightened me on the power of sharing our secrets.  The power shame has over your actions.  “Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes. When we find the courage to share our experiences and the compassion to hear others tell their stories, we force shame out of hiding, and end the silence.”

Secrecy and shame really are very close to each other.  Maybe when you feel the desire to do something in secrecy – you need to ask yourself “what am I ashamed of?”  If you can dig for where that feeling of shame is coming from, it’s probably a more accurate trigger that trying to answer “what am I scared of?”  Your fear will almost always be extrinsic – “my girlfriend will be mad at me” for example, but what you are ashamed of will be a narrative from your own mind.

pathways

All along the day,
words adjust my way.

I seek a steadfast path, guided from within.
But instead a candle flame, bending in the wind.

What is right, I ask?
Knowing there is no answer.
So many sides to the story.

Resonance is only found looking back,
I wish it was littered all over the track.

Stillness provides a small relief,
Conflict is the biggest thief.

As day winds down I look again,
For advice, reassurance, the correct lane…

– September – Oct 2020

Why is black skin different

As a Canadian moving to the US in the middle of these strange times, I feel like I have a slightly different perspective than most. And there are a few things that really jump out at me – and I keep saying to myself “why?”. This is a story about my experience with racism across 2 countries and a conclusion that I think warrants sharing.

Being brought up in rural Ontario – I was extremely sheltered from any kind racism. I literally didn’t know it existed and never considered skin colour or cultural background as an attribute that needed to be considered beyond perhaps enhancing good looks.

When I moved to BC I was absolutely shocked at the racism towards First Nations people that exists across the western provinces. Racist jokes, openly stereotyping people and anger towards a race based their history – I had never to been exposed to this kind of open hostility and disrespect. The First Nations community issues are very much in progress in BC, are extremely difficult to fully comprehend and are still “young” (there are people still alive who experienced residential schools). As I learned, the community struggles for First Nations are complex and the result is poverty and hardship for which there are no easy solutions. This is part of the systemic racism that has a lot to do with white privilege.

Then we move to the US. The first thing that really shocked us was the importance, depth and vivid depiction of US History in the education system. The kids spend a considerable amount of time learning about Slavery and Native American treaties in a very graphic way. It kind of feels like getting your nose rubbed in it. I feel like in Canada we approach a lot of these issues with a focus on reconciliation and a celebration of culture. Whereas in the US – it is very focused on owning up to the horrors of our predecessors. I’m pretty sensitive – and so are my kids – so a lot of it very hard to read, see and hear. And I spend a lot of time wondering what is the value?

Owning your history is super important. But I feel like it isn’t framed in a way to move forward, to celebrate cultural diversity or help kids recognize white privilege.

And now, with the Central Park/birdwatching incident and the George Floyd murder there is another big realization. Racism in the US against black people is different than any other kind of racism.

Most racism I have encountered is one of disrespect and stereotyping. Assuming someone is a lesser citizen because of their skin colour or cultural background. But this is where the difference lies: when a white american sees a black man – the white person feels fear. The black man is, by definition, likely a criminal and will endanger your life. You see a First Nation man, maybe you make a snyde remark; you see a Muslim man, you may think they must treat women badly… These are all terrible stereotypes – but why does a man with Black skin instantly instill fear?

I found this post on Facebook by Shola Richards and it sums up the exact sentiment I am exploring here:

Twice a day, I walk my dog Ace around my neighborhood with one, or both, of my girls. I know that doesn’t seem noteworthy, but here’s something that I must admit:

I would be scared to death to take these walks without my girls and my dog. In fact, in the four years living in my house, I have never taken a walk around my neighborhood alone (and probably never will).

Sure, some of you may read that and think that I’m being melodramatic or that I’m “playing the race card” (I still have no clue what that means), but this is my reality.

When I’m walking down the street holding my young daughter’s hand and walking my sweet fluffy dog, I’m just a loving dad and pet owner taking a break from the joylessness of crisis homeschooling.

But without them by my side, almost instantly, I morph into a threat in the eyes of some white folks. Instead of being a loving dad to two little girls, unfortunately, all that some people can see is a 6’2” athletically-built black man in a cloth mask who is walking around in a place where he doesn’t belong (even though, I’m still the same guy who just wants to take a walk through his neighborhood). It’s equal parts exhausting and depressing to feel like I can’t walk around outside alone, for fear of being targeted.

It goes on a little more – it is a public post by Shola Richards, so you should be able to find and read the rest of it, but this captures the essence of it. And it is the realization that has hit me over the past several days that I feel needs to be talked about.

Why the fear? Why is a black man instantly assumed to be a criminal? Why do white Americans save this special type of racism just for African Americans? This specific assignment of fear and criminality doesn’t apply to other races. I hear about a rise in hate crimes against Chinese people – it comes from a place of disrespect and definitely white privilege, but no one is automatically assigning each Chinese person with a label of fear and criminality.

I think the recognition of white privilege is definitely a requirement for society to grow and learn from this. But there is another piece – specific to African Americans (men, mostly) that needs to be addressed ASAP. People really need to recognize and dismantle this fear response – black skin may indicate a different culture, maybe even one you don’t appreciate, but it does NOT indicate criminality or aggression.

I Figured him Out

I want to write more, and I often jot down idea for blog posts. But after I think up something that I think is worth sharing, I often talk about it. And then after I told a few people I don’t think it is worth writing about anymore. But I have to get over that – talking about ideas is just step one, not the only step.

So who is “him”? Trump. I am interested in politics and community dynamics and globalism – all that stuff. And I also am extremely empathetic and spend a lot time trying to understand different points of view. So how does Trump work? Why is he successful?

I can’t listen to him talk at all. The words that come out of his mouth are… I can’t even describe it. But I have never for a moment thought he is stupid – just a really bad public speaker. And more recently, I have realized he is speaking to one audience (the far right) but what he actually implements don’t line up with his words at all. Listening to his words indicate one thing, but his actual results are completely different – and really quite reasonable.

And I hate to admit it – but media just eats it all up. They repeat and publicize his verbal diarrhea everyday – but his actual intentions and results, nowhere to be seen. I am no Trump fan, and while I lean towards conservative fiscal policies – I abhor the social policies of the right. But I am interested in the actual information of the policies of the current ruling party in USA – and the only place I can get that information is on conservative news sites.

I literally don’t believe or listen to a single speech clip or news headline – not even for a minute. I don’t click on the New York Times headlines about his latest Covid claim, I don’t get fired up about a rant on deploying troops on the Canadian border, I don’t even get angry when he calls someone else a nasty name. He’s baiting the media and it works – every, single, time. If I think a topic is interesting – I will look it up on a conservative news website to see what it’s actual implementation goals are (my favorite is www.nationalreview.com).

And I also think Trump will win the next election. He knows how to talk to his far-right supporters (who also have no clue what he actually implements) and he implements policies that are actually closer to center and make a lot of people happy. Business owners and fiscally conservative voters close their ears to his speeches and focus on execution. As long we continue to focus on the soundbites – we feed into Trump’s strategy perfectly and help turn media coverage of the current President into a one giant tabloid.

They Found our Cat

In July of last year – our big move started. We sold our Kamloops house, invested in a place at Sun Peaks and packed our stuff to go Seattle. Our cats were booked to go into a boarding home in Seattle for the month of August while we did some vacation travelling.

Our cats Raphael on the left, Neko on the right

And with a week to go before we move out, Raphael goes missing. They are mostly indoor cats, but Raphael does wander a field for a couple of hours occasionally. One night goes by, then another, we canvas the neighborhood, no sightings… 6 days go by and we move out of our Kamloops home because all our stuff gets shipped to Seattle. Still no cat 🙁 We all mourn him – assuming he met a coyote on the hillside. But our fabulous neighbours, who love animals, and have spent many a night looking for their own cat gone wandering – won’t give up that easily.

They ask us (!!) if they can go into our yard and keep looking for Raphael. Don swears up and down that he will find him. I am so grateful for their kindness, but have very little hope that they will be successful. The fateful day comes, when the cat “courier” is coming to take the cat(s) to Seattle before we leave the province. At 8am we get a text from Lisa with a photo “Look who we found this morning!”. It is totally our cat – but Jade and I don’t really believe it until we see him with our own two eyes. Incredible – Raphael has been missing for almost two weeks, and 2 hours before the window closes Don finds him in our backyard!? Raphael reunites with brother and off they go to Seattle!

I am eternally grateful for Don and Lisa for selfless dedication to animals – theirs and ours. I have no words. So I drew them a picture 🙂 This is a drawing of their three pets – Maggie, Chance and Marlo. Here are the in progress pictures. And I forgot to take a final photo of the finished drawing – so the framed one at the top of story – is stolen from their Facebook post.

Just sketching everyone out – Maggie’s face is hard because it’s at an unusual angle
Spend a lot of time on Maggie’s face. Trying to work left to right as a new ‘habit’
Maggie’s almost done
Now onto Chance and the pillow. For some reason Chance is much easier – and the cat, with such pure white and black was super quick. I forgot to take more photos….

Here are the photos I used – drawn as one scene.

You can see I moved Marlo over to be beside Chance.

Maddy Jade

I “can” draw just about anything – but I love drawing horses, birds and trees would probably be second. So this is Maddy Jade – a friend purchased this commission through a Horse Trials BC ( horsetrialsbc.com ) fundraiser.

Maddy Jade is extra cool because I actually considered buying her from New Stride ( newstride.com ) in 2014. It was a toss up between her, and the horse I did buy – my Dharma Queen. Here is a picture of Maddy Jade on that spring day 6 years ago:

Years later she ended up at Chase Creek Eventing ( www.chasecreekeventing.ca ) and then eventually my good friend Taylor ended up with her. She is a beautiful, sweet mare and I am so excited that she is going to have a foal in a month (eek!! cuteness overload – I’ll have to draw the foal of course!). Here is a recent photo of Maddy Jade – the one I drew:

I tried a different drawing technique this time. I have a new favorite artist – Bethany Vere ( www.bethanyvereart.co.uk) – and she does realistic drawings using pencil crayon. Bethany likes to start at one spot and slowly moves across the piece. Finishing each section as she goes. I usually do the entire piece in layers. But its messy (my hand smudges everything) and maybe not as accurate. So I developed this piece loosely following Bethany’s method. I used Pan Pastels, which are amazing, and pencil crayons. I was also very diligent taking progress photos (pat myself on the back).

And the first comment I hear – “Aren’t you going to draw the rest of the body?” The answer is no – I find people are super hard to draw and this piece isn’t about the rider. But I do need to figure out a better way of cutting it off – maybe a straight line at the waist instead of jagged. I have also seen drawings where the rider is completely left out – so where the leg appears on the saddle – that area is left completely blank, like a silhouette (I couldn’t find an example).

Stay tuned for a drawing of baby – once it’s born of course….

Pixie

An adorable dog that is a fixture at our Pony Club events, this is Pixie:

I love seeing other artists do in progress pictures – the process of creation is totally fascinating. Usually I forget to take the early photos (the drawing I am doing right now is a good example of that 🙁 ) – but in this case I paused often and have a good series for you.

I do use a grid when working with subjects that I find difficult. I don’t generally need them for horse drawings – but dogs, and especially humans, I find harder to “get right”.
The tongue is hard to get right – I kept coming back to it over and over again
Almost done – but she’s so white on a white background… I don’t like the composition of it all. But it is so scary to take a practically finished piece and then start to add a background. What if a ruin it!!??
And the finished product. I’m happy with the background – I don’t think I ruined it (sigh – relief)

As an aside – I LOVE our Pony Club – South Thompson Pony Club souththompsonponyclub.weebly.com . Pony Club is for children (and adults) who love horses and want to learn more about them. Our club is in Pritchard and leaving it to move to Seattle was one of the hardest parts of the move.

2019 in Review

It’s been a big year! It started with skiing – a lot of it. Jade was part of the Sun Peaks Alpine Club (SPAC) racing team and it was a HUGE commitment for the whole family. As a result we each skied more that 40 days this winter and took in several different resorts to watch Jade’s races. I also managed to get into a car accident on an early morning drive to Sun Peaks for a race, noone was hurt but the car was totalled. I am liking the BMW much better than the Hyundai, so maybe it was a blessing in disguise. Savannah wouldn’t agree though – the Hyundai was destined to be her first car – so it did a leave a big hole there.

Then we move into horse season – Jade and I both fullfilled a dream of competing at one of the best venues in BC (which happens to be in our back yard). Mom on Dharma Queen and Jade on Rodeo – we both made it around our Horse Trials course with a grin our face. This was the first real competition I have entered since I was 14 years old – and it was SO MUCH FUN 🙂

I think at this point Mike was still skiing. Backcountry touring is his new love and his new annual adventure is to hike to a hut in the rockies – the Asulkan Hut which is in Glacier National Park at Rogers Pass. The hike in (uphill, through deep snow, wearing touring ski/snowboard gear) is 3 to 6 hours! The experience and the scenery are spectacular.

Fast forward through summer… camping, fishing, sell our house of 15 years, buy a new house in Sun Peaks, quit our jobs, join Corey and Amanda for their beautiful and emotional wedding, execute on the 8th annual KTW Timeraiser (and my last at the helm… ) and then moved the family to Seattle!

Seattle has been everything we hoped for and more. A really cool city with lots to do and an incredible challenge for each of us. And challenging in ways we never expected. I’m not working right now – which I thought was going to be brutal – but I actually need to the time and space to be able to support the kids. Because the kids are finding it hard. The new school system, leaving the community they grew up in and changing all their free time activities has really been tough. But as we close out the year – each one of us is finding our stride. Mike loves the urban living, Savannah is making loads of friends and absolutely loves the adventure, River has become an avid football fan and gets to play a supervised scrimmage everyday at school, Jade is making friends and has found her stride at school and I am enjoying my time alone and am coming up with loads of fantastic ideas for what comes next.

See the full recap of our year in pictures at our Google album (link)

We love visitors in Seattle and at Sun Peaks. And always make sure we have a spare bed made up and extra food on the table. Please stop by anytime. We have been saving up lots of the tourist activities for when friends visit. We haven’t made the Museum of Modern Pop Culture yet and I am dying to take in an Opera.

If you got here via our annual Christmas Card – it was Mike’s idea 🙂 Happy Holidays – we hope to see everyone in person.