Someone close to me had cancer, and she chose to keep it secret from her family.  She always gave vague, positive updates – and then she died. The loss we felt when she passed was made worse because we didn’t make time for goodbyes and felt like we missed out on our last chance for connection. 

It can be hard to admit we are failing, our body is failing, our previous decisions are failing – but keeping the pain locked inside you actually hurts those who care about you even more. 

I think if you feel the need to keep something secret – it’s a signal that you need to examine what’s going on.  It’s like your sub-conscious is yelling at you that this is a scary thought, and your response should be to deal with the fear in the best way possible.  Not stuff the fear down – it can’t be effectively buried.  Buried fear ALWAYS comes back to haunt you.

When I hear about someone hiding something – not telling your family about their health problems, sneaking out before going home after work for beers with your friends, not being honest about how sad you are – I desperately want to know why?  Why do you think that keeping things to yourself, suffering in silence, is a productive way to handle a difficult situation?  Is the fear of telling someone your problem that ominous?  Do you actually think you are saving others from feeling any pain?

I am feeling aggressive as I write this – I am thinking of other people and have a sense of perspective.  But I know I have hidden from difficult conversation many times.  There is a seductive reasoning that seems to be human nature – if we can just move past something without really facing it, maybe it will just go away.  And no amount of “being caught” seems to teach the right lesson.  It’s only by leaning into the fear, by noticing what triggers your desire to hide, and choosing to treat the potential secret with care and attention that we can learn be open.  The fear that a secret carries, vanishes when shared.  The act of bringing in a companion to your secret lessens it’s power

Brene Brown has really enlightened me on the power of sharing our secrets.  The power shame has over your actions.  “Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes. When we find the courage to share our experiences and the compassion to hear others tell their stories, we force shame out of hiding, and end the silence.”

Secrecy and shame really are very close to each other.  Maybe when you feel the desire to do something in secrecy – you need to ask yourself “what am I ashamed of?”  If you can dig for where that feeling of shame is coming from, it’s probably a more accurate trigger that trying to answer “what am I scared of?”  Your fear will almost always be extrinsic – “my girlfriend will be mad at me” for example, but what you are ashamed of will be a narrative from your own mind.